Sometimes and Often
by Alithea
Summary: Sometimes and often the visions of the past and future haunted Setsuna more than she could bear. A voice from the her past calls for her to restore, but what and to whom. Sligh shoujoai


Title: Sometimes and Often

**Title: Sometimes and Often  
Rating PG-13  
Shoujo-ai Content.  
Poetry is mine  
Sailor Moon does not belong to me just borrowing. Don't sue.  
Note: Reposted after a long absence.**

Sometimes, when she slept, Time would creep up on her, turning her dreams into visions she could not wake from, dark and cold things from the far future or, in some cases, the distant past. And as she struggled to control the images, collect the scattered emotions that ripped through her, wishing she could wake, she would cry. Water and salt staining her pillows and bed sheets as her hands clung in desperation to the soft comforter that covered her.

Then, always, just before she was sure the vision was going to drive her insane and make her cry out from the emotional pain, she would feel arms holding her close, lips brushing against temple. And she would hear the whispered promise that it would be over soon and she would be fine. The ghostly presence would stay with her until the last of the visions fell away like wisps of smoke. And then, her eyes would open, soft Merlot pools straining against the darkness, a mocha toned hand falling into the empty space next to her in hopes, that her savior would be there.

But she was always alone. The pale of night wrapping against her and reminding that no matter the prayer, the hope, or wish she would never again greet the face that, had always, calmed her sleep, and made the visions vanish.

Sitting up, Setsuna wiped the remains of tears from her eyes and slid out of her bed. She padded out of her room and down the hallway to the bathroom, flicked on the light blinking back the sudden shock of the brightly illuminated room, stared at the mirror for a minute or two before turning on the faucet, and washing her face. The water was cool against her skin, doing little to comfort her.

Things were getting worse. In the beginning the visions would hit every other month. They were now a constant, a hated routine and as she wandered back to her room to fetch her robe she tried to sort through what she had seen.

Darkness, always darkness at first and the demonic faces of enemies, sometimes new, sometimes old, often distorted so they were more terrible than the reality. The senshi at battle, winning, losing, and dying, crying, hurt, happy, smiling, scared, or safe, it was hard to tell what such a thing meant. And of course, lately, the visions held a climax of herself attacking, something, but what she could never tell. Then it would end either happily or sadly. Two sides echoing back at her, and she was the center of it.

In the kitchen she brushed aside a few strands of evergreen hair as she prepared a pot of green tea. It was her favorite because it relaxed her, though it was doing a poor job that morning. She sat at the kitchen table glancing over at the clock briefly before turning her attentions out the window. Dawn was in a few hours and she would see the sun rise.

Time…

Past…

Future…

Present…

The Fates were at their wheel, spinning a web, creating a puzzle, an equation that Setsuna could not hope to solve. She was a vessel of their work. A keeper of what they set in motion. Her duty was clear, to protect, and observe no matter the cost, no matter the harm and hurt.

_There in the distance is Twilight  
Lost and lonely  
A star alone  
Would she feel better  
If she could play with her sisters Morning and Night  
Would she sleep easy if  
She lasted longer than a moment  
If she were more than a romantic memory  
If she were perhaps darker…lighter  
Cruel and kind_

The arcade was overrun with people enjoying the holiday. Every video game was packed with children and a few adults wanting a turn to prove their skill. The ice cream parlor was jam-packed and the five girls, who it must be said were hardly girls any longer, sat in a smaller booth than they normally occupied. They chatted wildly amongst themselves until Ami's attention was caught and the others quieted enough to wonder what she was staring at.

"That's strange," Ami whispered, blue eyes catching the extreme distress that crossed the face of the young woman across the street.

"What is," Makoto asked lightly swinging her arm around the blue haired girl's shoulders and attempting to follow her gaze.

"Is that-" Ami squinted and wished she had her glasses. "Is that, Setsuna, over there by the book shop?"

"Where?" Minako practically dived over the table and into the window pushing the brunette next to her over and into Usagi's lap.

"Hey! Watch it will ya?" Rei pried herself off of the blonde she was thrown into and made an effort to see what the fuss was about. "Hmmm…looks like her."

"She looks-" Ami fought for an appropriate word. "She looks rather pale, are you sure it's her?"

"It is her," Usagi said soberly, which got her a look from the young women around her. Even if she wasn't as much of an airhead as she had once been, it was still a shock when Usagi was serious.

The other girls settled eventually, and Minako started off a round of gossip.

"So what do you think was wrong with her," the blonde goddess asked.

"Hard to say." Ami replied thoughtfully, echoed by Makoto's quick nod.

"Oh come on didn't she look…I dunno… A little mysterious?"

Rei quirked an eyebrow at the question.

"I mean more than usual, like super secretive?"

Again Rei's eyebrow popped up, but before she could say anything Usagi slid out of the booth.

"I think we should let her alone." Was all she said before disappearing into the crowd.

The four remaining girls weren't sure what to make of it.

"Oooooookaaaaay. Now that was weird. What do you think was about," Minako asked and then nudged Rei with her elbow suggestively.

"I worry about your mental health sometimes," the fire priestess muttered.

_And always fine  
And always happy  
And always at ease  
In her own skin  
Would you ever say  
She's lost  
Would you ever say  
She's lonely  
Because she can see  
Exactly where she's been and gone  
Her whole life long_

Usagi was two seconds from walking out of the arcade and chasing down Setsuna when a husky voice pulled her attention. She turned and watched as Haruka and Michiru stepped towards her, both as elegant and graceful as ever. She smiled at them waiting to be asked or told something.

"Hey kitten, where are you off to?" Haruka smiled, charming to the last.

"I thought I saw Setsuna. I was going to try and catch her, you know invite her for some sweets." It was a playful lie and she knew it would be caught.

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I mean she looked kinda down and-"

"Usagi?" Michiru's lighter voice cut in. She smiled kindly, if not a bit knowingly. "What do you know about what's going on with her?"

"Nothing." She said it a little too fast. "I didn't know anything was wrong." Another fib, but this was more a point of gathering further information.

Haruka crossed her arms and arched an eyebrow, Usagi new she was caught, again.

"Look," the moon princess glanced at her feet. "Obviously, you two already know something is up with her."

"We do live in the same house," Michiru commented.

"And, I do know something, but, if you two don't know or remember…Well then, I can't tell you." And then, Usagi slipped away.

"The sea is restless," Michiru whispered.

"But not because of an enemy," Haruka stated. "This is the past."

"Then we may not have a right to know." She inched closer to her lover and rested her head on Haruka's strong shoulder. "I'll never let you go."

Haruka blinked. "I know. Funny though, Setsuna mentioned something similar to me the other day."

"About?"

Haruka grinned as her arms inched around Michiru's waist. "About never letting you go."

_Are we ever who we were  
In the past…  
That time forgotten  
The life already lived  
Before death took us and then…  
Made us new  
Are we ever who we were  
Or do we change  
If shy are we now loud  
If ugly are we now beautiful  
Are our hearts reflected eternally in our faces  
Do we ever get to fix what we had broken_A vision?  
_  
_A memory?

No, it was a dream.

The fog of time swirled about her and a voice sounded in the distance. A commanding and yet extremely gentle, a voice she loved, because it made her weak.

"You must restore them," the voice reminded.

Setsuna blinked. She didn't understand.

"You must restore it all, love. You'll go mad. You must…restore."

And then everything was black.

She woke to the sound of her own voice, gasping and struggling. But the dream, it hadn't been terrible, then she realized she was caught in a vision, and with realization it vanished.

Too much, it was all becoming too much.

Setsuna peered into the darkness and saved by the red glow of the clock on her nightstand she was sure she was awake. She took in a deep breath, releasing it slowly, pulled her knees into her chest and tried to figure out what it meant. Things were getting worse. Visions like those in her sleep coming at her during the day. She barely made it out of the bookstore earlier that day. The images taking her over as she reached for a volume on anomalies.

The others would have to know soon. She couldn't keep dodging the truth, and the truth was she was losing her grip. There was a reason for what was happening, and she recalled that long ago the visions had gotten really bad just before…

But it couldn't be, because that was over and done with. It was past. Past, it was all to do with the past.

She didn't know what she was going to tell the rest of the senshi, but she was going to have to tell them something before things became completely unbearable, and she went mad.

_You can pull this feeling around you  
A veil for what you can not bear to see  
It's all in how you remember me  
Remember… me  
And know everything that was never answered  
You can pull this doubt around you  
A veil for what you do not want to believe  
But the light shines passed it  
The shadows it reflects  
Only pieces  
Wrap this life around you  
It will be a comfort when nothing else fits_

"Restore," the voice whispered.

It felt close to her ear and she woke. Bright blue eyes blinking back in wonder. She rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling. She was remembering more and more of her past life as the years went on. In fact very recently she had uncovered a few things that no one else seemed to know. It explained a lot about Setsuna, the way she was, the reason for the Senshi of Time's distance and stoic cool.

And then there was Serenity, Queen Serenity. Her mother, or at least… She was never quite sure what to do with that. She had a mother and father, and a bratty brother who loved her and drove her crazy. They had raised her, but then, she felt a connection to the deceased queen of the Moon Kingdom. Felt a call to a place that once was. Her memory was nearly restored.

Restored, that word, the voice in her dream asked her to restore. What, she could only guess.

She shut her eyes. Memories and dreams were becoming the same.

She was in the palace of the moon, running down the halls, and looking, looking for her mother.

Bad dreams?

Yes, she had a bad dream. She was young, about ten, and her bare feet slapped against the cool marble floors. She was almost at a panic because her mother had not been in the royal bedchamber. So she was running and searching, and finally she heard a familiar laugh. A light and wonderfully bright giggle bouncing off the silence of the slumbering palace, and Usagi was happy. She went to it.

She peered out the great and wide glass doors leading to the balcony. Hiding herself when she heard another voice that was… It was velvet, soft and dark all at once. She couldn't see who the person was, but by the tone she deduced it was a woman.

And the memory-dream jumped slightly forward as she was discovered, but she didn't get in trouble like she thought she would. Serenity led her over to the balcony and asked her about the bad dreams. Told her it was all right and hugged her close, and then the other woman put a hand on her shoulder and reinforced the sentiment. Deep sincerity found in eyes the color of wine.

"We love you," they both said.

And then she woke. Confused for a moment and then the full weight of the memory slid over her.

"Why didn't she ever say," Usagi whispered to the morning.

_The Sun is brilliant in the sky  
And all is well  
All is well  
The Moon is brilliant in the sky  
And all is well  
All is well  
I can tell  
And just when I know it's safe  
It goes  
Back to the dark  
Back to her heart  
And she forgets the reason why  
The Stars are brilliant in the sky  
And all is well  
All is…_

She was ready to tell the others, she decided. She couldn't wait through another day of visions, another night of the same thing, and all those emotions. Too many emotions hitting all at once as the coin of the future flipped through the air showing her all sides of possibilities, mixing the past with the future. And she was the center, always the center, and she was not comfortable in that position.

The park was silent early in the morning. One or two joggers breaking the solitude, but she didn't mind them. She kept her eyes shut. Breathing in and out slowly, concentrated attempts at stilling the beat of her heart.

What would she tell them?

It was cool, a light breeze here and there wandering around her, picking up her long hair. Certainly, it was going to be a fair day, not too warm, not too cold. Just right, everything was certain to be just right that day.

She could tell them little. She knew little. The visions were getting worse. She could say that. She didn't know what they meant. She could say that as well.

What else?

A voice from far away sounded in her head, the deepest part of her heart, and it said, "Restore."

Merlot eyes opened to face the brightness of the day and another voice, this one closer, behind her?

Yes.

The voice was real.

"Setsuna?"

She glanced up, such a bright voice it could only be Usagi. She attempted a smile.

"Setsuna, can I- Would you mind if I sat with you," the blonde was being overly polite, or cautious.

"Please, sit down Usagi." She offered, voice low and soft. "You look troubled."

"The pot calling the kettle black?" The Moon Princess replied.

Setsuna nodded hiding her grin.

Silence then, still and hollow between them. A good five minutes passed. The Guardian of Time heard the tick of a clock somewhere.

"Do you remember the past, Setsuna?" Usagi finally asked like an unsure child. "The past, on the moon I mean?"

"Why?"

"I've been remembering the past." The blonde sighed. "A lot of it, like it just happened a few days ago or something."

"And?"

Tears were forming, making her blue eyes brighter. She fought them though as she whispered, "I'm sorry."

"It wasn't your fault."

"But-"

"It wasn't," she repeated gently. "What could you have done? Said? Shouted? Even I, I didn't know." Setsuna swallowed hard and shut her eyes to keep from crying. "We all lost that day, but she kept us safe."

Usagi sniffed and wiped her nose with the sleeve of her sweatshirt. "I've been having weird dreams lately."

"Oh?"

"I think it's about the past, but I'm not sure. A voice that sounds like Serenity's keeps saying-"

"Restore." Her jaw clicked.

"Yeah, you too?"

Setsuna just barely nodded. Usagi was looking her over curiously and the Senshi of Time quirked and eyebrow.

"The visions are bad aren't they," the blonde asked with immense concern. Setsuna didn't answer and so she continued, "Before the Dark Kingdom attacked they were bad then, the visions. I remember-"

"What?" She was keeping to small one-word interruptions. She could feel something building in the back of her head, ready to devour her.

Usagi could see the strain, but she continued, "I remember you in the palace. I could hear you crying. I went to your room and…"

"Yes?"

It was like a migraine, slow steps to maddening pain. She couldn't stop it and of course, there was this truth Usagi was trying to work through. Setsuna wanted to give her full attention, because she knew she would have to talk about it eventually. The sharp prick of the vision stabbed at her, and then washed away. It would return again like a deep ocean swell crashing upon a rocky shore. She felt Usagi's hand on her shoulder.

"Setsuna?"

She could see could see the vision begin to hit, and she heard that voice, but instead of a calm request it pleaded.

"She must restore them. She'll go mad."

Bright blue eyes searched her surroundings but there was no one near.

"Usagi!" Desperate now. "Remember…Restore."

And all is…  
_All is…  
Suffering and pain  
Darkness cold and damp  
Something like death  
Decay  
All is…  
All is lost to her  
Lost to Time  
Lost to hearts  
All is…  
If she can not find her way_

Violent…

Blood…

Loss…

She knew she was lost. She had been on the park bench and now she was lost. swimming through a fog and a sea that was dangerous and heavy.

Light…

Soft…

Laughter…

Two sides colliding and it was all up to her.

Why hadn't she known?

Why couldn't she remember?

Monsters and heroes clashing, she could see their faces. Feel the emotions, hatred, kindness, love, and lust all through her at once.

Why couldn't she remember?

And she was in the middle. Standing tall and doing nothing. She twirled her staff and when it hit the ground everything split, separated by a wall, thick and black.

It hurt.

Two sets of senshi on either side, two sets of villains separated by a barrier, and she walked along it, keeping the two sides from meeting, keeping the two from being whole.

"But you must restore them," the voice again. It felt close but she could see no one. "You can't keep this."

"What do I do?" She didn't know whom she was asking. Everything felt so lucid.

"Break it."

She looked at the more vicious beasts clawing at the wall from either side. "But those?"

"Must be restored."

She wanted to shut her eyes. She wanted to wake. She felt arms around her, soft lips at her neck that tickled when they spoke.

"The good and bad," the voice whispered, warm breath blowing across her ears. "Put it back together, love. You will go mad if you keep it."

"Why do I have it?"

"I entrusted it to you."

"Usagi, why does she remember?"

"You see there, she broke through."

It was true. The two Usagi's were looking at each other through a small hole. They touched when Setsuna was not looking.

"How did she-"

"She's the strongest."

It was hurting more and more as she walked along the wall.

"Why did you give this to me?"

"Because memory is tied to time, and you, love, you are Time."

"Just a guardian." She corrected with out thinking.

"You have to let it go. You'll go mad if you keep it longer."

"This wall-"

"You built it, you are the only one who can break it. Usagi, she tries to help but it's yours."

"Why don't I remember?"

"You need to be restored."

Unseen lips kissed her neck.

Maroon eyes shut.

Could it be a trap?

What if it was a trap?

"You have to trust me love."

It wasn't enough for her just yet.

What if she was going insane?

"Trust me love, Puu, please. You'll go mad."

And that was enough.

She opened her eyes and swung the Time Staff around barely tapping it against the barrier she had constructed.

Her velvet voice whispering, "Restore."

And then, everything went black.

_Have I lost you  
I have lost you  
To the wind and to the rain  
Have I lost you  
I have lost you  
Now nothing can ever be the same  
And why leave me this way  
And why let me wander  
Cos... I wonder  
Have I lost you  
I have lost you  
And my heart will forever...  
Feel the pain_

"Are you going to wake up?"

Her eyes flitted open and semi-familiar surroundings greeting her, plush four poster bed, elegant and fine decor. Arms, pale and lovely were holding her tight.

"You'll have to go back." There was such a sad tone in that voice.

"I know." Setsuna kept herself from crying. "I miss you."

"I know, I've felt your longing." The woman held her tighter. "Do you blame me?"

"You saved us all, how can I blame you?"

"I doomed you to bare the weight of their memories."

"You had no choice. You were out of- You were out of time." She was afraid to turn around, an old Greek myth played through her mind. She found her resolve and shifted so that she was glancing up at the woman, a breath of relief leaving her when the silver haired beauty did not disappear.

"Usagi, she has things she wants to ask you," the woman asked playfully.

"I'm glad to offer any answers she seeks."

"Good."

"When do I have to leave?"

"Soon."

Her eyes shut tight, a tear betraying her stoic and reserved nature.

"Don't cry, love, it'll work out."

"Sometimes I think I have mastered the art of living without you, Serenity. Sometimes I think I understand why the Fates wove such a life for me to live. But often I find I am wrong. I'm tired."

"I know."

"I want to rest."

"There must always be someone guarding Time."

"I know," she whispered. "And the guardian must remember everything." She grinned. "Of course I forgot."

"You have to go back. They're waiting for you."

"You're my only- My-"

"Shhhh… I love you."

Serenity lowered her lips to leave Setsuna with a brief kiss, a something to remember after parting.

_Time  
Is a cage  
It holds us to our fate  
Binds us to our webs  
And should we forget  
There will always be someone to remind  
Sometimes…  
And often  
I wonder what you'd say  
Sometimes and often  
I miss your smile  
Time is a cage  
And one day…  
It'll open for us  
Just us_

When she woke she was in her own bed. She moved her head slightly and noticed the flowers by her nightstand. Setsuna sat up slowly. Usagi was sitting at the end of her bed. She looked unforgivably sad. Then, Setsuna recalled what she had done.

"How are the others?" Her velvet voice broke through the silence.

"Getting over the initial shock." She looked over, blue eyes heavy with emotion. She tried a smile as she asked, "Couldn't ease them into it?"

"The barrier wasn't built to be taken down a piece at a time." She looked over at the clock on her nightstand. "What day is it?"

"Monday."

"Two days, it felt like minutes," Setsuna muttered.

"What did?"

"Nothing." Then she sighed. "How are you?"

"Why'd she do it?"

"What?"

Pleading blue eyes ran through her, an accidental knife.

"She did it to protect you. To make sure the enemy would not destroy your chance at a new life."

"She can never be reborn, can she?"

"No." She held back her own tears. "No she placed all of her being into the silver crystal so that she could send the enemy to the other side of the universe and further."

"So where is she?"

The Guardian of Time slid over to Usagi and placed a mocha toned hand on the blonde's heart. "She is right there." She laughed at herself. "I know it's rather cliché, but it's true. You want to get technical she's in the crystal, which is why she can help us on occasion."

"Weird."

"I'd say complex."

"I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"You saw her didn't you?"

"Yes."

"And we made you come back" Usagi was cursing herself.

"It is my duty as a senshi to watch over Time. Staying was never an option."

"Setsuna?"

"Yes."

"Tell me about her?"

"Where should I start?"

"Tell me, tell about how you first met."

Usagi had never seen Setsuna smile so broadly before. She moved back to rest against the pillows propped up against the headboard and the blonde joined her, patiently waiting.

"You were five, out playing in the castle gardens. She was watching you, laughing, and her voice was like a song to me. I was nervous."

"You?"

"Yes, and before I could properly introduce myself…."

_Your memory sweet on my lips  
I carry this with me  
To give something to those who have forgotten  
And was the moon ever so bright  
As it was that first night_

The tall blonde jumped when she felt the tap on her shoulder. She turned to face the disapproving glance from her lover and smiled.

"Just making sure they're okay, Michi."

"Sure you are, now move over so I can listen too."

_And all is  
All is…  
Well_

End….


End file.
